GemrahVeteran-Monkey Ever so eager to reply
Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 4409
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re: oooOoooo
by Gemrah on 2008/05/13 2:34
food delievery this evening, need to tidy my flat before it gets there though
I'm getting berries to munch on!
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MucklehugsEoL-Veteran Likes forums
Joined: 01 Jun 2007 Posts: 657
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re: oooOoooo
by Mucklehugs on 2008/05/13 9:05
Been cleaning my hmmm 30 square meter flat for the last 3 hours. It wasn't bad before, but now it is spotless. This gnome has been good and deserves cookies NOW!
Muckle
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GemrahVeteran-Monkey Ever so eager to reply
Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 4409
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re: oooOoooo
by Gemrah on 2008/06/03 6:51
some fun to read...
Only in america.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!< BR>
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you pres ent when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dres s when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, bef ore you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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SamorazEoL-Veteran Forum Pet
Joined: 14 Jun 2007 Posts: 1346
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re: oooOoooo
by Samoraz on 2008/06/03 7:14
had a big grin the whole time while reading that post.. typed gold Emmy
_________________ Samoras / Ruzzle
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GemrahVeteran-Monkey Ever so eager to reply
Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 4409
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re: oooOoooo
by Gemrah on 2008/06/03 7:41
Got a lovely e-mail from my boss I'll share...
EFFECTIVE July 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
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CaheEoL-Veteran Chatterbox
Joined: 24 Jun 2007 Posts: 466
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re: oooOoooo
by Cahe on 2008/06/03 8:21
Quote: | ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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Hehe, i feel like moving to america now, that would make my time as a lawyer so much easier.. i mean, if that was a prosecutor (Sounds like it) then what could possibly go wrong? Hehe.
_________________ I eat rubberbands
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re: oooOoooo
by ChrisDiabolik on 2008/06/03 8:43
Ahh come on Emie you don't expect us to belive that mail is true...
Those rules are just insane and if it whould be true i whould just quit work, but neah i don't think its true .
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GemrahVeteran-Monkey Ever so eager to reply
Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 4409
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re: oooOoooo
by Gemrah on 2008/06/03 9:06
Hehe na, I wondered for a second, till i read the gucci and prada bit.. would never happen in here :P
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GemrahVeteran-Monkey Ever so eager to reply
Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 4409
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re: oooOoooo
by Gemrah on 2008/06/11 4:39
I'm addicted to BLT sandwiches.... nom nom
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GemrahVeteran-Monkey Ever so eager to reply
Joined: 05 Mar 2008 Posts: 4409
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re: oooOoooo
by Gemrah on 2008/06/11 4:40
oh yes and hi forums *waves*
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CaheEoL-Veteran Chatterbox
Joined: 24 Jun 2007 Posts: 466
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re: oooOoooo
by Cahe on 2008/06/11 4:52
I'm suprised Borgrimm hasn't replied yet.
_________________ I eat rubberbands
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SamorazEoL-Veteran Forum Pet
Joined: 14 Jun 2007 Posts: 1346
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re: oooOoooo
by Samoraz on 2008/06/11 5:18
I'm surprised your replying here, go celebrate!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAHEHEHE
_________________ Samoras / Ruzzle
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WaluinEoL-Veteran Forum Pet
Joined: 03 Nov 2007 Posts: 1088
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re: oooOoooo
by Waluin on 2008/06/11 6:04
GRATS!
_________________ "As no unit of measurement is given, the pong play field could theoretically span the depths of several universes. It is a great cosmic game, as forces beyond the tangible are forever locked in a to-and-fro battle of the wills. Woe is he who lives in the universe that exists as the "ball", forever ricocheting between its larger sisters."
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QuendisEoL-Veteran Chatterbox
Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 254
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re: oooOoooo
by Quendis on 2008/06/11 6:33
Chuckled me ass off Emanee.
Silly Americans.
Q.
And yes Cahe, almost a big boy now!
Gratz cute cuddler!
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